Ride or Die
by PoeticMoonSpirit
Summary: "Katara, you're not a monster." My submission for Zutara Month 2018.


**A/N: This is my first Zutara Month entry ever! I've been in the fandom since I was a kid, but was too chicken to submit anything.**

 **This takes place during 'The Southern Raiders' and it's a bit altered so it won't go in the same direction as the canon episode.**

 **This is written in Katara's and Zuko's perspectives.**

 **I do not own Avatar: The Last Airbender, it belongs to Nickelodeon Studios.**

* * *

"I know who killed your mother, and I'm going to help you find him."

Those words lit a cold flame within me. The monster inside me had been buried for years, just waiting to be unleashed. I'd do _anything_ to find the man who stole my mother away from me.

Even if I had to kill.

"Um, and what do you think this will accomplish? Is this about... revenge?" _Of course he wouldn't understand._

"Fine! Maybe it is! Maybe that's what he deserves." My heartbeat was so fast that my entire body began to shake.

"Katara, you sound like Jet."

I stopped dead in my tracks. After everything I just said, he compares me to _Jet_. The man who was willing to sacrifice innocent people to seek justice. I could feel Sokka staring at me. In my peripheral vision, I could also see Zuko's eyes slightly widening as he glanced at my clenched fists.

"What did you say?" I said, angry.

Sokka put his hand on my shoulder to calm me down, it didn't work.

"Aang, I understand that you want to resolve this _peacefully_ , but this is _not_ your fight. You can't go around preaching Air Nomad philosophy for the rest of your life! One day you're going to have to see _everyone's_ perspective and stop judging so hard. You lost Appa! He's your pet, I get it. But at least Appa came back to you!" I stepped towards him angrily, "But my mother? _She's never coming back_."

Silence.

"Katara, how do you think I felt when the sandbenders took Appa-"

" _Seriously_? You're comparing my mother's _**murder** _to your temporary loss of Appa?!"

"Listen-"

Zuko and I hopped onto Appa and fled off. I turned my head and gave one last look at Sokka and turned back around. I was too upset with Aang to even _look_ at him. Zuko decided to take the reigns to give me some time alone.

* * *

"Are you okay?"

I glanced up at the firebender before looking at my lap.

I sighed, angrily. "No, I'm not. I'd rather not talk about it if you don't mind." He nods and continues to be on the lookout for where we're heading.

A few minutes later, Zuko spoke up. "We need to find the Fire Navy communication tower. All the navy's movements are coordinated by messenger hawk. And every tower has to be up to date on where everyone is being deployed."

 _Good. Perhaps we'll be lucky to find that monster and get this over with._

"So once we find the communication tower, we bust in and take the information we need." _Please let it be this easy._ Zuko glanced at me. "Not exactly." _Damn it._ "We need to be stealthy and make sure no one spots us, otherwise they'll warn the Southern Raiders long before we reach them."

A flatland area near the water came closer to view so we stopped to let Appa rest until we came back. Zuko climbed off first and helped me off afterwards. _No one's ever made sure I got off Appa safely_ , I thought. I felt the slight blush rise on my cheeks. I muttered a 'thank you' and he gave me a small we neared the ocean, I reached as far as I could and felt the water rise high and shifted my wrist to freeze the ice. Zuko jumped on the small piece of ice as I continued to use the waves to get us on shore.

As we moved stealthily, I could hear a few guards talking about their next raid and I felt sick, knowing that they were planning to raid another innocent town. We crept up to where they stored the maps and saw a woman writing. With my bending, I purposely spilled the ink on her paper. With a sigh, she got up to get more ink. We used her absence as an opportunity to head down there and find a map.

Zuko mentioned Whale Tail Island and I muttered something angrily and felt Zuko staring at me. Whatever. He probably thinks I'm crazy.

* * *

We headed outside and found Appa. I decided to take the reigns and let Zuko get some rest. The ride is supposed to be calming, with the smooth, blue water around me and whatnot, but it's everything but calming. Even the soft light of the moon can't calm my nerves.

What I said to Aang earlier...it may have been harsh, but it's the truth. He always puts me on this pedestal like I can do no wrong. In his eyes, I'm this beautiful, innocent angel that watches over him. It's infuriating. No one sees who I really am. I have lost so much, and while it affected my brother as well, it affected me in an entirely different way. There is a darkness within me that I've kept at bay for so long and I'm not sure how long I can keep it contained. That night with Hama made things even worse. I can't even sleep at night. But no one knows. All they see is the pure, bossy mother giving commands and keeping order. They don't see the girl who is slowly breaking, slowly crumbling...

 _Slowly losing her mind._

After our mother died, we've been on our own. Dad left us to join the war effort, so it has always been Sokka and I. Although he's older than me, I've pretty much had to step in and play the mother role. I was the one who cooked, cleaned, and supported him throughout these years. He tells me that I remind him of Mom, but I don't know whether I should be happy about that or sad. I wouldn't have had to do all that had the Fire Nation stayed away from us. My childhood was gone for good and that still _hurt._

My thoughts suddenly drifted back to _that_ night. A night filled with understanding, fear, then betrayal. I trusted Zuko. I was the first person to and he betrayed me. A tear falls from my eye and I quickly wipe it with my sleeve. I thought we had a mutual understanding, a truce, _something_! Instead he joins his psychotic sister and leaves me stranded.

One night, Sokka had a talk with me about how I'd been treating Zuko, saying that I was taking my anger too far.

 _"He saved Suki and Dad, Katara. I know that doesn't change everything he's done, but at least give him a chance. The dude's been through_ _enough."_

With a sigh, I realize that he might be right. Just seeing how much he sacrificed to teach Aang firebending, leaving his country and everything he knows, and helping me find Mom's killer...

His family has done so much to him and no one deserves that, not even him.

The sun slowly crept in the horizon. I rubbed my eyes as I realized I'd been awake all night.

* * *

I slowly opened my eyes as I try to get adjusted to my surroundings. I looked up at Katara worriedly; she'd been awake all night.

"You should get some rest. We'll be there in a few hours. You'll need all your strength."

She squeezed the rope tightly. "Oh don't you worry about my strength. I have plenty. I'm not the helpless little girl I was when they came."

My heart pounds faster in anger as my teeth involuntarily clench as she recalls the most traumatic day of her life. _My people did this to her,_ I thought. How ruthless can the Fire Nation be? How did I ever see glory in what my country did? All it's done is bring death and destruction to the world. I can hear the unescaped sobs in her voice and it takes every inch of me not to hug her.

"Your mother was a brave woman."

She grasped her mother's necklace. "I know."

"Listen, I know there's a lot of bad blood between us," she turns her head slightly, "and that is my fault and I don't expect you to forgive me for it, but I _need_ you to hear this. What your mother did was courageous and selfless and brave. I was a coward back in Ba Sing Se and instead of doing the right thing, I ended up being manipulated by my crazy sister. _Again._ You are much stronger than me, I've seen it. I know you're still guilty about what happened to your mother-"

"Of course I am Zuko! It's because of me that she's gone! And now the last memory I have of her is her burnt corpse!"

Katara let out a scream and a huge wave formed on the left side of Appa. My eyes widened at her rage and despite the circumstances, a small part of me marveled at her abilities.

"Katara, look at me."

She wiped her eyes and turned her head a bit to signal that she was listening.

"It was not your fault, do you hear me? You were a mere child! She loved you so much that she was willing to trade her life for yours. If I was to blame myself every day for my mother's disappearance, I probably wouldn't be here. That stuff will eat you alive and you have to realize that there is no changing the past, only the present."

She remained silent for a moment before she spoke up again. "So...so what happened to your mother?"

My eyes narrowed. The memory replayed itself every night behind my eyelids. "My mother was banished from the Fire Nation. Even though my uncle was next in line for the throne, my father wanted it immediately. My cousin, Lu Ten, had just died. My late grandfather, Fire Lord Azulon, was angry that my father wanted the throne while my uncle was still grieving. He wanted my father to know what it felt like to lose a first born, so he wanted me dead. My mother made a proposal that allowed me to stay if she left. My grandfather was found dead the next morning, my mother was gone, and my father was to be the next Fire Lord."

Katara gasped. "That is _horrible_ Zuko. I hate saying this, but I am so sorry."

A small smile made its way on my face. "Thank you. You know, that means a lot more coming from you. You've experienced that pain too, therefore, we're equals."

"Really? You believe that I'm your...equal?"

I chuckled. "In terms of loss and skill. We're just two broken kids who want to avenge our mothers. You're also a really skilled bender for your age."

"Thank you for that," she turned her head towards me, "I mean it."

"Anytime." I glance up at her, "Hey, about what Aang said earlier...he was in the wrong. I can't believe he said that to you."

She turns to give me an odd look. "You knew Jet?"

"Yeah. Back when I was a refugee in the Earth Kingdom, I met him and his Freedom Fighters on the ferry that was taking us to the city. He and I sort of fought a week afterwards."

She snorted. "Yeah, he was a manipulative asshole who was willing to kill innocent people in the name of justice. When I saw him in Ba Sing Se, I automatically distrusted him. But he convinced me he had changed. After he died, I was willing to forgive him."

My eyes widened at the new information. "He died? How-"

"The Dai Li brainwashed him while he was imprisoned. The leader of them, Long Feng, severely injured him. I couldn't heal him...the damage had already been done."

I had no idea. "Well, you're not like him." Katara remained silent. "Aang was wrong to compare the temporary loss of his pet to your mother's murder. That was a low blow, even for him."

"I don't even know why he said that. I know he lost Appa awhile back and he lost his people too. But he can't just tell me that I'm not allowed to feel what I feel. He can't just pretend that he's been around long enough to see everything the war has done when he's only been around for like a year."

"He's a really naive kid. Someday, I hope he learns to see everyone's views and not just his."

She sighed. "Yeah, me too."

* * *

We snacked on some leftover rice and I took over the reigns again, letting Katara get a few hours of sleep. While she slept, my thoughts drifted elsewhere.

Back to that stupid cave.

My eyes watered as I remembered everything that happened leading to my betrayal. Uncle, Aang's tattered body, Azula...

 _Katara's tears._

After I joined the group, I did anything I could to try and make it up to her. Out of everyone, her opinion of me meant the most. She opened up to me and I turned my back on her when she needed me. It was the most dishonorable, selfish thing I've ever done and if she ever forgave me, I still wouldn't. I could never.

 _"...you were lucky to be born!"_

Maybe my father was right. I'm a failure but at least I've got luck on my side. And maybe the spirits could lend me a little luck to help find this guy who killed Katara's mother, an innocent woman whose life was stolen under my father's orders.

Familiar red and black flags suddenly appear at the tip of a small ship in the water. "There! You see those flags?" I toss her the telescope, "Those are The Southern Raiders. You ready?"

With determination she mutters, "Let's do this."

I landed Appa near the water as Katara stood up and bended the water to act as a shield of sorts. She continued to move her arms in a slow, graceful motion as the waves guided us closer to the ship within the soldiers' blind spot. The wave crashed the long, sturdy ship, pushing every soldier off with immense force. We ran to the side door and slipped in. Throwing a few flames, I covered Katara until she got the last of the soldiers.

As we made it to the commander's quarters, I gave Katara a look. "This is it. Are you ready to face him?" With a pull of her mask, she bended her water into whips and yelled as she busted the door down.

I jumped in front of her, throwing flames as the commander attempted to attack. He asked, "Who are you?"

With boiling anger, I threw a large flame at his chest. "You don't remember her? You will soon, trust me."

"What's...happening to me?!" I paused as my eyes grew wide from seeing the man move clumsily and unbalanced. With a quick glance, I spotted Katara moving her hands to control the man's limbs, arms, and neck. For a moment, the fear kicked in as I saw the hatred and venom in her eyes. I'd never seen her like that before. It's like she was...hungry for it.

I regained my composure as I kept my eyes on the man. "Think back. Think back to the last raid on the Southern Water Tribe."

The man's eyes went wide. "I don't know what you're talking about! I swear!"

Suddenly my temperature began to rise. "Don't lie! You look her in the eyes and tell me you don't remember what you did."

Katara's eyes studied him as she held him with her bending. Her eyes suddenly went wide. "It's not him. He's not the man."

 _What the hell is she talking about?_ "What do you mean it's not him?! It has to be!"

She turned around and went back to the entrance of the ship. I growled and held the man's arms behind his back. "If you're not the man we're looking for, then who is?!"

The commander trembled as he answered, "You must be looking for Yon Rha, he retired four years ago."

With a yell, I bended large, orange flames towards the ceiling. I ran out, hoping to catch up with Katara with the news, but she had already overheard and was walking towards Appa.

* * *

 _Go find your father sweetie..._

 _I'm afraid I'm not taking prisoners today._

 _"Kya!"_

I yelled in frustration and bended a small wave, throwing it at a nearby tree as I headed for Appa. " _If you're not the man we're looking for, then who is?!"_ Zuko's voice was filled with just as much hatred as my heart.

Yon Rha. _That was the man. The monster._

I hear Zuko's footsteps getting near. "Katara, are you alright?"

The compassion in his voice made me stop. I answered him as I tried to keep my composure. "I-I don't know."

He turned me around and looked me in my eyes. It was only then that I realized I was shaking.

"Come here." He says, as he reaches for my arm and pulls me into a hug. The warmth from his inner chi spreads throughout my arms and chest. For a moment, I feel at ease. Sadly, he pulls away.

"Sometimes, I think I underestimate you."

I give him a strange look. "What do you mean?"

He gives me a long look before he continues. "Back at the North Pole, I thought you were just some ignorant water peasant that was inferior to my bending, but I was wrong. Time and time again, you prove to me that you're much better than that. When you...were able to control that guy back there, I was afraid. I didn't know you possessed that kind of power. I didn't even know power like that _existed._ "

I looked away in shame. "I'm not exactly proud of it."

He waited for me to elaborate. "When we first came to the Fire Nation, we ran into an old lady named Hama. She was a waterbender from my tribe who was imprisoned in the Fire Nation years ago. She unwillingly taught me that technique. It's called bloodbending," his eyes widened, "and it allows you to control the water inside of any living thing, but in this case, any person."

He slowly nodded. "I see."

I stared at him incredulously. "You're not ashamed? Angry?"

He gave me a puzzled look. "Why would I be? I'm not exactly in position to judge."

"I know, but-"

He held a hand up. "Katara, you did what you felt like you had to do. If my mother was killed and the killer was still out there, I'd do everything I could to bring her justice."

 _"That's something we have in common."_

I blinked as I remembered the conversation we had in Ba Sing Se. On the way here, he also told me his mother left the Fire Nation to protect him.

"Maybe we are equals after all."

He grinned.

* * *

As Zuko asked around about Yon Rha's whereabouts, I started to think about what I'd actually _do_ once we found him. Sweat slowly trickled down my face and my palms began to feel clammy as I realized I'm about to face the man who broke my family.

Zuko came back with the information and hopped on Appa and we left. I decided to leave Appa in a shaded area where the villagers wouldn't find him. I gave him a stack of hay and rubbed his nose. "We'll be back shortly, okay?" He grumbled in reply and closed his eyes. Zuko took the trip wire out as I tried to wipe the sweat from my brow. He glanced at me.

"You sure you're up for this?"

I nod and swallow hard. "I've been dreaming about this, but I didn't know I'd feel so...sick."

He nods, understanding my situation. "I'm with you, okay? Until the very end."

 _Perhaps I can forgive him._ I gave him a small smile. "Thank you."

We hide behind two columns as we search the village's marketplace. _Not too many people are here,_ I thought. Suddenly, a man dressed in drab, maroon clothes and long, grey hair tied in a ponytail walks away from the market with a basket of food towards a house. I catch a glimpse of his stature, of his eyes.

I clenched my fists. "That's him. That's the monster."

Zuko quickly set up the tripwire. We made a few purposeful noises against a tree to get his attention.

"Hello, is anyone there?"

Silence.

I made a sound on the concrete. "No one sneaks up on me!" A burst of golden flames engulfs the tree.

As he continued walking, he tripped on the wire and dropped his food.

This made our entrance a lot smoother. Zuko jumped in front of me. "We worked behind the bush," he assumed his bending stance, "and I wouldn't try firebending again!"

I lifted the mask off my face. "Do you know who I am?"

Yon Rha gave me a puzzled look, "No, I don't think so."

"Oh you better remember me like your life depends on it! Why don't you take a closer look?!"

Recognition clouds his eyes as his eyes widen. "Yes...yes I remember you. You're that little Water Tribe girl."

Memories flashed through my mind quicker than I could deject them. My mother's corpse lied at my feet, her eyes, wide open.

"She lied to you! She was protecting the last waterbender!"

He looked at me quizzically, "What? Who?"

"ME!"

I moved my arms back and forth to gather all of the rain at once. I froze it to mini icicles and aimed them all at him.

"Give me one reason why I shouldn't kill you!"

The man was shaking, but I had no sympathy for the bastard. "I-I'm sorry! I did a bad thing! I know! I was only taking orders!"

" _Taking orders?!_ You had orders to kill _innocent people_?!"

He was trembling. "We had to eliminate any possible threats to the Fire Nation! Even if we had to kill you or your mother!"

All I could see was red as I lifted him by his chest and manipulated the water in his limbs. As I lifted him off the ground, I slammed him into the trees near the clearing. I did this repeatedly until I felt one of his bones break. With a flick of my wrist, I let go of his broken body and let it slump to the ground.

"There's just nothing inside you. Nothing at all. You're a pathetic, sad and weak old man. But as much as I hate you...I just can't do it."

I gave one last glance to the man's bloody, horrified face before walking away.

I could feel my heartbeat rising and tears fell from my eyes. _I need to get out of here,_ I thought. I quickly fled the scene and kept running, for my own sanity.

* * *

My eyes widened as I saw Katara bend the rain to form icicles. _She's so powerful,_ I thought.

"Give me one reason why I shouldn't kill you!"

I glanced at her face and couldn't tell if her face was wet because of the rain or her tears.

I glared at the bastard, clenching my fists. This is Katara's fight and as much as I wanted to end this man, I couldn't. I had to leave it up to her.

"I-I'm sorry! I did a bad thing! I know! I was only taking orders!"

I stared at him incredulously. _Taking orders, of fucking course._ A general or a commander disobeying orders is as good as dead. At least in my father's eyes. I suddenly felt sick.

I gaped at the sight before me. Katara somehow lifted the man in mid-air using her bloodbending. With a yell, she began repeatedly slamming him against the trees until she lets him go. Blood and dirt stained the man as he remained horrified and too hurt to move.

"There's just nothing inside you. Nothing at all. You're a pathetic, sad, and weak old man. But as much as I hate you...I just can't do it."

I glanced at Katara as she started shaking again. She began running out of the clearing and into the storm.

"Katara!" I yelled. But she was already gone.

* * *

 _"All of that blood is on your hands."_

 _"But I didn't kill him!"_

 _"Yeah but you nearly did. Your mother would be so ashamed."_

 _"What?! That man **killed** my mother, he's got more blood on his hands than me!"_

 _"You're pathetic. You've spent half of your life calling this man a monster, but in reality, you're no different than him. You could've snapped his neck or busted a blood vessel-"_

 _"But I didn't!"_

 _"Does it matter? **You're** the real monster here." _

I cradled my head in my arms and rocked my knees back and forth. My conscience wouldn't leave me alone. I couldn't think, couldn't open my eyes, couldn't _breathe._

I was too preoccupied with the voices to realize someone was beside me. I looked up in surprise to see Zuko sitting under the tree next to me, staring.

Before I could stop myself, I blurted, "I can't stop the voices."

He gave me a look. "What voices?"

I put my hands over my eyes. "In my head. They keep telling me that I have blood on my hands now, that I'm pathetic for even believing Yon Rha was the monster when really it's me." I whispered, "I'm the monster."

He stayed silent for a moment before moving the hair out of my eyes. "Katara."

"Yes?"

"You're not a monster."

"How can you say that? After everything I did, I still bloodbended! I swore I'd never use it again and I did! Twice! Then I slammed him against two trees!"

He gave me a serious look. "Do you think your actions were justified?"

I looked down. "Yes, but-"

"Did you end his life?"

"No."

His hand reached mine. "And despite everything he's taken away from you: your childhood, your mother...you still let him _live_ and that in itself makes you strong. It makes you stronger than you think."

I looked up at his warm eyes. _They're like two suns,_ I thought. "Then why do I feel so weak? Mom is gone and yet I'm letting her murderer live! How is that fair?"

Zuko let out a heavy sigh. "It sucks, I know. If I were you, I don't think I would've had that much strength. But that isn't a weakness. Your mother wouldn't want you to be someone you're not. You aren't a monster and the fact that you don't want to be proves it."

I let his words sink in. _I'm not a monster._

Without thinking, I flung myself in his arms, clinging onto him like a platypus-bear. I felt him go still for a moment before returning the gesture. I took in his cinnamon and mint scent as I let a few tears escape.

"I forgive you."

He broke away with wide eyes.

"W-What?"

I rolled my eyes. "I forgive you. Now can I have another hug?"

He gave me a small smile and returned the gesture.

"You know I'll always ride for you right?"

I smiled into his shoulder. "The feeling is mutual."

* * *

 **A/N: So this was my first Zutara story I've done in _years._ Yeah. _Years._ I feel like this could've been a lot better, but I gave my all and that's all you can do, right? Anywho, please review!**


End file.
